Trust me.

Trust me.

Do you trust me?

That simple string of words has an e c h o  to it, doesn't it?

almost like a ripple,
a disturbance in some degree.

There are so many reasons to not trust people,
 to live scared within the walls you've built around yourself.

Within the walls of your fortress of solitude.

If I've learned anything in my mere 20 years on this planet, its that bad shit happens.

and it really doesn't matter.

Don't get it twisted, those experiences are very important.

I got hit with something the other day while driving blindly on Oasis Street
with Cards Against Humanity in my passenger seat,
I was on my way into some doors I thought we're closed,
driving with no idea what was going to be within the doors.

This is what i head:

Sometimes the Lord needs to strip us to remind us who we are,
and what we have in him, more so who we are in him.

He brought us into this world naked and when we get brought back
to that raw state, instead of cursing him,

I began to thank him.

I thanked him not only for who he is, but who I am.
The special person he designed me to be.

I had to stop looking up and staying down, my prayers had been in a place of frustration,
frustrated in what I had lost, and in a moment it clicked. I had not lost anything but my sight.

Nothing in this world compares to what your father in heaven, Abba, has.

I don't just mean his gifts, because yes they are great, and beyond my little minds comprehension. 

I mean simply him.
Who he is.
Getting to know him,

What an honour.

No matter who you lose, what you lose, what you've lost, or what you're losing.
Never lose yourself.

Never give up who you are, 
who you were made to be,
because you lost something, someone, or somewhere in between.

I know it sounds crazy, but no matter what dark place you go into,
the greatest light in the world is actually right there with you.
Acting as a lamp below your feet, guiding you, 
Wherever you run,
However long you hide,

He sees you.
He loves you.
and he is passionately, 
ardently,
avidly,
always,
constantly,
chasing you..

Have peace, and blessings,
my friends.
-
-
-
and oh!
 to tie together my title and come full circle,
~
whatever you're going through,
trust the Lord and that he is working on it for your benefit,
God isn't mad at you, 
he doesn't want to punish you

he wants you and your love.

Whatever it is that is pressing on your heart,

just say,  

       "Hey dad,

i surrender,

have your way,

i give it to you,

i trust you with it,

i believe in your love for me,

i believe in your ability,

and i see who you are,

just as you see who i am,

and i trust you to help me
through this situation,

and i trust that you
have plans of good,

and that you will never
forsake me,

you will never
abandon me,

you have always
chased me,

I love you and
i am so thankful
that you are on 
my side,

my friend,
my father,
my God.

In Jesus name,
amen."

†

Stay up!
Sorry i haven't posted in a  millennium.

Power thoughts at 3 nearly 4 A.M.

Can't sleep still. 

Up praying on things that I must have prayed on at least 10 times just today. 

My mind races like horses, caged and spurred and ready to run as soon as I open the doors. So I keep them shut. I keep the race doors shut so my horses don't fly out frantically. I guess you could say I'm holding my horses. 

The problem is that these horses keep kicking the doors, neighing, demanding I pay attention to them. 

Why?

Who's next?

Was I?

Am I?

When?

Why?

My mind often feels like a race track in which many thoughts are competing to be the one that sways me, the one that wins me over. 

I'm learning that the fastest thought shouldn't always be the one that we act on. 

And I don't mean just the first thought off the line, I mean the first one to recross the line. 

You see,

Normally,

In a race that thought would be the winner, it started with the others and it ran its full circle and came back to me first. 

Sometimes the worst thoughts come to us the quickest. Sometimes the worst thoughts we have, we are the best at having. 

Thoughts are a very powerful thing. 

I've pictured things in my head and feared them, and most all of them have come to be. 

We empower the world around us with our fears and hopes. 

We speak life. 

We speak death. 

Sometimes we just speak.

I'm learning to become aware of when I just speak. I'm trying to pay attention to where my heart is while I'm speaking. 

I love. 

I believe.

I hope. 

I dream. 

I bleed. 

I cry. 

I spit. 

I tire. 

I fear. 

I fight. 

I am real. 

And I will not fade away. 

I am more than just a memory,

And so are you. 

Remember 

Who

You

Are. 

What people see

It's amazing how people see what they want to see. 

It doesn't matter who you are, 

What you do,

The way you do it. 

People see it how they want. 

One thing you do in love can be viewed in hate. 

Their brokenness in life can alter their point of view, because someone did something so hate filled so evil they associate that with others, they see what they want. 

I love hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm one man up against the world.

I try every single day to do everything I do in love and to be the best person I can be. 

I think that freaks people out. I don't think the world is use to someone who actually gives a damn. 

Well damn it I do. 

I've had people tell me, 

"I never want to be one of those girls who hurt you" 

Or 

"You see this tree in front of me it's just an obstacle, I'm always right there, you've just got to look beyond it." 

And they end up trying to tie a tag around my toe thinking since I'm dead to them I should be dead to me too and planting forests between us telling me to get lost. 

Death isn't a bad thing. I mean I don't crave it, I'm not suggesting it, but it's moving on. From death there is life. 

Sometimes I hold onto things that are dying in my life so hard that I cut my hand with my fingernails and the thing I'm holding has completely disappeared when I open my hand. 

I'm a magician of sorts. 

When all you have with a person is words, it's very easy to be misread.

I doubt a lot of things, I have questioned my faith before, but I know who I am. 

I am Joseph, child of God, a difference maker. 

No one can take that from me. 

My broken heart has been turned in to the lord and he will give me a new one, a better one. 

And trust me I'll break it again, because id rather break my heart a billion times sharing it, than keep it all to myself and not let anyone see the beauty of love.  

Storms ahead.

There are 

7,373,668,565 people in the world and before i was finished writing this sentence that number has grown.

The crazy part to me is that we find one person and they make the other 7.3 billion people fade away.

Life moves pretty fast, and before you know it you'll be looking back at it instead of squinting at it ahead of you.

I've began to learn that there is 

absolutely no reason to be angry.

I mean I gets sadness,

I understand it.

Sometimes I would like to be angry.

Sometimes I want to get mad.

But there is no point to it.

It accomplishes nothing

but the opposite of everything

you want. 

I've been given the opportunity to be a lot of things in my life. Somethings I've been I'm not exactly proud of, other things I know I was the best I could be. 

I've been betrayed by almost every single person I know, 

I can count on one hand the amount of people I know who haven't betrayed me, 

and on the other hand I can count the number of people I have betrayed. 

But i still lift up both my hands to pray. 

Every single one of us has betrayed someone at some point. At least I think so. 

and everyone has been betrayed by someone at some point. I think i know so.

and if I'm really real, its going to happen again. and again. and probably again. 

But the only thing we can do, is control ourselves. 

We have no right to control other people

they are going to do

what they are going to do.

I have my battles and you have yours.

I have gotten to the point in my life where i no longer 

care to be anything but myself and the best form of that

that i can be.

I don't know what the next step is, 

but i trust my father in heaven that i won't miss my mark

I don't know what i am supposed to be to anyone.

but i trust that my father in heaven will show me.

Out of all the people in the world for some reason the Lord showed me

you.

I don't have the remedy to your broken heart, and i don't have the answer.

and i don't have much money.

But i have faith

Wherever you are, 

whatever you do.

I will not be angry.

For the Lord himself,

stands beside me.

and i am calm.

Full moon

I'm just a man who never deserved her love. 

Her love came rushing in like the wind 

Taking my clothes with it and leaving me naked 

Just as I was when I came into this world. 

I was born again in the wind she howled

 she blew me away and I think I found myself

With the whip of the wind I tried desperately to grab onto something, anything that was familiar but there was nothing for me to hold. 

So I let go

Letting go of all the things that once kept me stable is where I found balance

Letting go letting go

But what about tomorrow my storm clouds thunder

But what about yesterday my tear drops tap on the floor

Now. 

Today. 

Now. 

That is my answer. 

Void of life and dried up dreams. 

This moon begs me to look at it. Implores me with its open eye

Full and complete making me feel empty and alone. 

It has all it needs. making me feel as if I will never be as complete as he tonight. 

But what I must remember is that come two weeks he will be but a sliver. 

I'm the dead man walking when the moon is full. 

The full moon drains all my life and leaves me to my body.

Telling me To do with it what I wish. 

Laughing cynically at my torment that he illuminates so well

The moon looks at me

 or rather

 I look at it 

and I see it at its fullest

 and now I remember 

It is only but a reflection. 

Blood

Blood. 

Bloody trickling tricky thing. 

Pour it out baby and watch your life slip into the pools you spill. 

Blood is but a s h a d e away from darkness. 

Blood is life within life. 

Rivers in our arms flowing throughout our bodies and pumping into our brains.

Its in our thoughts. 

Blood it's something you can share with some but not with all. 

We've all got different types you see?

 just like we all have our different personalities.

 and our own unique traits. 

We're compatible with some but not with all.

We reject some because they aren't what we need,

We get no life from them.

We tend to take the most from those who give the most (O+)

but blood, well its not all just life and death.

Blood is beautiful.

how i learned that:

When I held your hand

 and felt yours rushing Inbetween my fingers,

 pumping almost like a dance,

a dance orchestrated

to the song of our souls.

 I know my blood is meant for you. 

And I know your blood is meant for me. 

maybe thats why they call it

Bloody love baby.

Broken Mirrors

All of these reflections.

To me its rather strange how we all see something different when we look into a mirror.

For instance when we walk down the busy streets and we see a lot of faces,
its in those momentary glances that we appreciate a (falsely perceived) unadulterated beauty.

We don't get lost in the whos and whats,
 We dont get deluded perspectives of who someone is presently due to their past.
It is momentary of course. 

now adays,
The more we see someone the less we see someone,
if we allow it.

We start seeing their pain,
Their problems,
their flaws,
their inability.
 Their insufficiency.
 Their weakness.

Because you see, its easy to love a moment, but its hard to love a lifetime.

When you separate someone from who they are, we objectify them. 
When we fall in love with the outward beauty we often miss the beauty within.

Mirrors, well they are, they are not reflections, not anymore, they're insecurities.

We see ourselves everyday, some more than others, but at some point we all look into that mirror to judge ourselves. 

When we look at a mirror its never to see whats right with us, 
its to pick out whats wrong with us. 
What we need to fix.

 We spend so much time critiquing our reflections and picking out what we don't like that we forget what we do enjoy.
We miss our freckles and crescent moon grins, 
We darken the glow of the light in our eyes.

 Girls put on makeup because they've seen their face so many times
that they are tired of it.
and they feel this need,
this deep disposition
to change themselves.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, oh i wish that you would fall,
Mirror Mirror on the wall, why do you lie to us all?

If it wasnt for the judgement of others, 
would we be so hard on ourselves?

If we didn't have all these momentary glances would she still spend hours in the mirror trying to change herself for no one; but everyone at the same time?

I'm different. At least I think so.

For me, when i see someone more, i don't disintegrate them. I dont see their beauty dissolve, I just find more of them. I just find more reasons to love them.

Whoever hears me, please, just try, just try to look at that mirror, and don't look for a flaw; look for something you like.

God bless you. Much love my friends and 
i believe in you.
i believe that you,
right there with your screen brightly glowing my words,
can break your mirrors.

Christendom: the worldwide body or society of Christians; the Christian world.

I believe that arguably the biggest fault in The Christendom is that the self has become the

center

Instead of love thy neighbor like you love thy self. 

It became love thy self and tolerate your neighbor.

Instead of do unto others that which you would would have them do unto you.
It's become do for self what you would want others to do for you.
 
People have stopped following Jesus and have started directing him.
 
Telling him where to go, 
where to show up, 
how to show up,
What to wear,
 and then getting upset when they feel like He isn't fitting into their puzzle. 
 
It's twisted man.

 Its so sad to me that these people have the kingdom of heaven at hand
 and all the desires of our hearts
 w a i t i n g to be handed to us from the Father  
through Christ
 but they miss it…

They just miss it man

They get lost in themselves and what they want, 
thinking this is what will make me happy, 
this marriage, 
this car, 
this house, 
living there,
not living here, 
and they forget the simplest most vital part of Christianity. 

 
Follow me.

Wayward Son

What do you want?

What do you want?

Am i doing this right?

Is this okay?

My mind is an oasis of peace where birds sing and the sun never sets but there's always sunsets.

I found joy all alone, because i had no one tangible.

no one to reach out to and grab into my arms.

No one to tell me hey its alright, i know what you're going through, and its okay.

I spent hours on my knees before i had the strength to stand up.

I had so many hurts that they didn't hurt.

so much dirt in my eyes that i had to learn to see in the dark.

I don't go to many people, 

I don't follow celebrities and I don't call many people my friends.

Don't get me wrong, i am many peoples friend. 

I'll be there for you when you need me to, even if you won't do the same.

 Its part of what i believe in.

you're part of what i believe in

But shit. 

i don't know what you want.

i don't know how to be there for you

i don't know how to find you

i don't know what I'm doing right or wrong anymore.

Remember that Oasis i talked about.

well the waters have been poisoned. 

the trees are withering and the sand is sinking.

I want nothing more but to take a swim in the warm waters i once knew.

I want to swim with you, like we have.

But I no longer know where my oasis with you is. 

Maybe the waters have dried and I'm drifting through deserts chasing 

caliginous memories.

but i dip my toes in the water when i close my eyes 

and i remember where and who started this.

I hope, no i pray, that you and me can go down into the river.

But I'm starting to doubt you'd go in with me even if i found it.

I don't know whats to come, I'm not as certain as i once was.

but i certainly know that my love for you has not changed.

But the way i see your love certainly has.

call me dramatic, and as i do love the theatre,

 as does every play have an end,

and I've raised my hands because i'm not the writer just the pen.

but I've run out of ink.

and i've got to many thoughts I've ought to think.

and although i think you are the one for me

I'm beginning to read your pages over, and overly overwhelmingly I am beginning to see

that maybe I am not the one for you.

my love, my love will never change,

just only grow, thats why we grew to call it Toe

but now i read these pages and weep under the willow,

 as i wonder if i was to let you go,

If you'd find the feeling you felt for me but inevitably 

planted in the snow, 

these red curtains close but i don't know if its just a scene

 or the ending to our show

is this goodbye or is this hello?

You're a fighter kid.

We all have battles.

It's really obvious, at least to me, that we're all facing something.

Whether its bills, loved ones, or thyself we all got something that's going on. 
I'm at a point in my life where my gloves are ripping and my face is bloody.

I've got a lot of people telling me that they see greatness in me, but it doesn't really matter until i see it. 

I'm in the ring fighting and fighting but the part that snares me is that I don't want to fight.
I guess you could call it a cage fight. 
I read in a good book that it's the meek who inherit the world. 
well what if i don't want the world and I'm still meek? 
what do i have to gain but memories and scars? 

Sometimes,
we all feel like we're running out of strength but gaining weights.
and i remember Hercules told me that 
"a true hero isn't measured in the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. " 

and well i have a big heart.
 But i read somewhere that only God sees a mans heart.

I don't have much that I cling to but what I do, i cling to hard.
i guess what I'm saying is that i don't have a lot i fight for,
but what i do fight for, i fight for a lot.

I was taught empathy and compassion by my Father, yes my dad did a great job raising me, but he is not who I'm calling Father right now.

If you haven't gotten it by now I love God. 
in fact he's the only thing I truly trust and if you are agitated by my belief in God than I'm sorry
but anger and agitation over love is truly evil.

what I'm getting at is that we have battles, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and its not about how much strength we exhibit in battle. Its about our cause, about our willingness to get up, and its about what makes us get back up.

I promise you that i would have heard the eternal Ref counting to three while i slip into the darkness of unconsciousness a long time ago if it was not for something bigger than myself.

I've been through a lot, and i've been through a lot less than some others. I don't compare my trials and turmoil to others because its not fair to them or to myself because undeniably the things we feel are real to us. These things may be sourced from deception and lies, but the responsibility of feeling them and handling them will forever be a real thing.

I don't have much left to say but I truly pray that you don't give up. shit i don't even know you but I'm still praying for you. When i pray for people I've never met i often wonder if I'm the only person who thinks and feels the way i do... and I'm starting to think i am. 
but thats alright,
 because God made us all different and thats what makes us so individually special to him. 

I'll stop preaching but if I give you guys an inch today of who i am, its that I'm inexplicably passionate.  And that my passion is what makes me live, and my passion is what kills me.

whatever you battle today, do not give up. you're not weak, you're not broken, and you're not done. 
Keep fighting and dodge those uppercuts, there is nothing wrong with getting hit, but theres something abominable in giving up. 

Lost in the lyrics lain in my membrane

Listening to every beat and every cord,

Drums beating to the sound of my heart,

It’s a symphony of art,

One sound out of tune, buzzing in to a room with no room.

Crowded mind of mine, these thoughts thought to be defeated with time,

Some drown it with wine, some cover it with saying “im fine” "I'm f i n e"

All I’ve got is belief,

I hold on to hope,

We all need relief,

Just trying to cope.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel unless you look,

I’m struggling just to pick up my holy book,

The bible was my revival but It’s got heavy in my hand,

The world trying to rival and rob me off the promise land,

Situations trying to make me forget of the promises on which I stand.

Ive never doubted Gods existence,

But ive never struggled with showing this much persistence.

We’re all facing battles and these scars are just memories,

And each memory means something to me,

I carry no shame to carry his name,

I know who I love, I know I’m just a man,

But the voice from above, it told me I can.

Listen to the high or listen to the low,

It’s a battle this I know,

But if you aim high when you’re feeling low

Before you know you’ll watch yourself grow

As you let yourself go.

Don’t hold on to yourself so tightly,

I let myself go and so demons try to bite me,

I look at them and say

 son of a bitch fight me.

I never walked in fear and for that im blessed,

But lately my tongue has professed that I am afraid,

This is not how I was made, this is not the path god has laid

CHILD DO NOT BE AFRAID CHILD DO NOT BE AFRAID

I can still feel you ringing in my ears,

Angelic voices singing away the fears,

You send me signs and you tell people to speak life into me,

My selfish heart whines and I say how weak I think I am to be.

You tell me you got more for me,

More and more for me, open your eyes away from the world child and see.

I look and I search to get a glimpse of light,

But I loose myself inside of the night,

These thoughts haunt the inside of my head,

The lies spread out wide like a wicked web

Get me out, get me out,

I feel so stuck,

But I know I put the glue on my own shoe,

Its me who chooses my positivity.

This is my life that I was told to live,

But its my soul that I chose to give,

I gave it to the Son

 and now I am a targeted one

 and he picks on me for fun,

but I say the war is won

the war is won,

this battle is done.

Half my day I give away,

Lost in my prayers,

Frost in my hairs

As seasons change,

The Frost turns to water,

As the sun gets hotter,

Summer sun, followed by a winter moon,

The night within the day,

Darkness go away,

I am not yours

I am not going to live the life of destruction

That you have in construction.

I am an architect building off a blueprint with red letters,

I am a bird who’s finding his feathers,

Each hidden deep within my soul,

My lips touch the coal,

Fire on the tip of my tongue,

A song in my heart yet to be sung.

I will not be afraid,

For you, for I,

Am wonderfully made.

Where have I been?

I've walked up and down these same streets a hundred times but every single instance is so different. 

I know each crack, i know where the two slabs of concrete don't meet evenly so I need to watch my step. I know the cars parked along the curb, at least some of them, the ones that are there week after week. 

I've walked these paths many times, most times there is someone walking next to me. but its the walks alone where i truly wonder. 

I have stuck inside my own shell for too long, i call it a cave. I run there, i pray there, and i hide there.

I've gone out of the country only but three times and i've never walked on the opposite side of the earth. I don't know where ill be or when i will get there. i simply know that i need to get out of this cave.

because well its dark and i can't see straight. I'm loosing sight of the light because I'm so caught in the dark. and You can not see in the dark, you cannot even see yourself in the dark. 

I've lost myself to many things too many times. I am not sure how to really find myself, I'm walking up and down these streets and i know where i am, i can remember where I've been, but now I look up from these cracks I've memorised and I start to question where i am going.

2:04 AM drinking Organic Green te

I've never been one for talking.
well, actually i talk a lot.

But i've never been good at talking.

I mean i know how to keep up a conversation and keep it interesting and entertaining, but when it starts getting personal I just can't talk.

And I'm not like broken or something, 
I know how to talk about myself, I know how to express myself, and I sort of know how to explain myself.

What I mean is that:
 yeah, 
I know how to talk about my life, 
whats happened and happening; but it seems I've forgotten how to put myself in what I'm talking about.

when it comes to my emotions, I'm reserved. 
I don't share them with everyone, and its a bit baffling. 

I'm concerned because I'm Not Your Average Joe.™
I'm different than a lot of people, I still care about the little things.
I listen well.
I listen as you explain everything that is wrong for you.
I speak to you and explain everything will be alright with you.

I dont shoot people down I tell them they can fly, because why not?
I push forward and try my best not to get dragged backwards.
I'm not perfect and I don't ever want to be.
I've learned to love the kinks in my armour and the memories attached to them.
I know I have God on my side as my protector, teacher, guide, and hope.
I know that I've got a life and so I'm gonna live it to the fullest..
I know Ill come up to heavens gates in rags and bruises, sobbing in smiles, saying I used it, I used it all Dad. Everything you gave me I gave right back to your Glory. 
I know he will tell me "You are home son." and I know one day I'll come home.

until then, 
I'm just gonna keep talking...

¨∆˚∆∆˚˚∆∆˚∆∆˚˚∆˚∆˚˚˚∆∆˚∆∆˚∆˚˚∆˚˚∆˙˙
?I wonder who will listen¿