Love is ____

Falling in love is a moment. 

It's a million of them. 

It's giving the last piece of bread when your stomach isn't full.

And if it's real, who you give it to will rip it in half and hand half of it back. 

Falling in love isn't an instant but an instance, it happens in just a moment, but it's more than just looking at someone's smile and being infatuated with them, it's looking at them, knowing why they're smiling and feeling your soul grin. 

Love is a whitewashed, handy down, worn down, blown out word. 

I believe that my generation specifically has forgotten what words mean. 

It's Fire means it's good

Being savage makes your cool

We are changing, more than just our language, but us as individuals. 

Everyone always says hate is a strong word, well I say love is a stronger one. 

People should stop falling in love and start jumping into it. 

Don't love someone because of "the moment" but love every moment with someone. 

Learn to be in love, by first learning what love means. 

You don't learn what love means by looking up the definition. Love is not literature. 

You can't memorize it. 

Whatever your definition of love is, it's not it. 

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying that love is no one thing, it's either everything or nothing. 

Love is life and it's also s lifestyle. 

You are love. 

You are hate. 

You are whatever you choose to be. 

Giving away your love is the only way that you can keep it. 

Learn how to love, by giving it without getting it. 

Learn how to love by asking only what others need. 

Learn how to love by expecting nothing and going above expectations. 

Learn to love by forgetting its definition, and becoming it. 

Our soul

We are all of one soul. 

We all have many unique personalities and characters. 

But we share the same soul. The soul of the universe the soul of the creator. 

We are all individually  unique special and beautiful. 

And our soul is just as unique special and beautiful,

But it's all of the same source. 

A leaf off the same branch. 

The thing is, although we share the same soul, all of us, it's just an amazing, wonderful depiction of the illimitable complexity of our wonderful Father. 

It's a delineation of how multifarious God is. 

All of  our souls are unique but the same because they are just portions, fractions, pieces of the collective soul of God, the creator, the universe, love and all things beautiful.  

I love your soul. 

   

M0MENTS

Life is made up from millions of moments.

Good ones and Bad ones.

I’m nothing special for thinking of this.

But I’m not trying to be special.

I’m trying to be real.

I’ve been dealing with moments for what feels like a millennium now.

To me, my memory of the past is like this giant library, one with shelves from the floor to the ceiling; all filled neatly with VHS movies. I can pull one down and remember exactly where it goes and what will happen when I play it.

Then we get to the DVD’s and most of them are really well filled, like my first encounter with God, first Christian relationship, first time serving, I know where all those go and I can put them in order easily, and I remember how each memory ends.

And about halfway through some of these memories you get some reoccurring characters, some that star in some and just appear briefly in others. Sometimes you only get to wish that they had showed up in that moment.

There’s a section of my library, I guess maybe the Blu-ray, where a bunch of films are just laying on the ground, and I mean I remember each one, I just haven’t yet fully understood them.

So I keep watching them,

 trying to make sense of the ending,

trying to guess at what happens in the sequel.

The problem with making a mess of memories, is that it effects your future.

And most the times

you don’t realize the mess you’ve made until you’re trying to clean it up.

I’m learning to love each moment as it comes.

I haven’t yet.

I want to hold so many of them

But just as much as I long for them,

 so do the shelves that were built solely for them.

What im trying to say is that life is filled with so many moments,

And its really hard to enjoy new ones if you’re only paying attention to old ones.

Each moment is only as good or bad as you make it.

Yeah that’s right, you get to make moments.

Some moments are made for us,

But that’s only half the beauty.

If you want to make more,

Simply make them.

Don’t compare them to the ones before

Because all that does is diminish it.

Its moments that make up a lifetime,

So at some point in your life you’ve got to make time for moments.

Stop watching the old ones because they make you laugh or make you cry.

Because you wish the ending was different.

Truth is, a moment that’s past will never come back,

But a moment to come can only last if you let it move to the past.

Moments are only meant to be momentary, and when you try to make them

something that they aren't thats when they fight back.

You have a lifetime of moments ahead of you.

Don’t waste them on the ones behind you.

Make new ones with the people you love,

And love people every moment that you make them.

If you’ve got one moment that you’re holding onto,

And you’re thinking of it right now,

That makes you hurt,

Or makes you happy.

Or makes you happy and then hurt.

L e t   i t   g o.

Holding it only restricts you from going out and making a new one.

I’m not saying give it up.

Or give up on it.

I’m saying 1.) pick it up, 2.) put it on the shelf, and 3.) go make another moment.

and then

Repeat steps 1,2, and 3.

And make sure you do it with the people you love.

Moments are meant to be shared.

And some people are worth more of your moments.

I call this one the double-standard doorbell

The doorbell rings.

I set down my yellow notepad, take off my headphones, and I open the door.

I don't look to see who it is.
Because I already know,
it's the same doorbell with every press,
but her finger has a certain ring to it.

Doors open and in a moment a wave floods through my door,
Like an arroyo being filled with rain.

I let the waters rise.
with each wave that washes over me,
I hear the tiny detests, 
the painful memories,
the has beens,
and should haves.

the would haves.

the debris in the water never bothered me, 
in fact
I kind of liked the way it bumped up against me and I got to be the one to look at it, 
pick it up and make sense of it, 
figure out what it use to be a part of and how it got there.

The waterway that rushed in, covers me completely now 
and I hold my breath, open my eyes and start to swim. 
My hair is floating about enjoying the lack of gravity,
my clothes are heavy but my strength is still sturdy.

I wade and listen to the waters,
listening until they've calmed 
and proceed to exit through the same door they came in through.

The waters gone, but everything's wet.
My clothes cling to me like I am all that exists.


I play in the puddles as I hear the door close,
Look for my notepad but realise it was lost in the waters.


_____________________________________________________________________


I leave my now sodden house I used to call my home, and I walk up to her door.


_____________________________________________________________________

I ring the doorbell,

and no one answers.


A double-standard Doorbell.

Trust me.

Trust me.

Do you trust me?

That simple string of words has an e c h o  to it, doesn't it?

almost like a ripple,
a disturbance in some degree.

There are so many reasons to not trust people,
 to live scared within the walls you've built around yourself.

Within the walls of your fortress of solitude.

If I've learned anything in my mere 20 years on this planet, its that bad shit happens.

and it really doesn't matter.

Don't get it twisted, those experiences are very important.

I got hit with something the other day while driving blindly on Oasis Street
with Cards Against Humanity in my passenger seat,
I was on my way into some doors I thought we're closed,
driving with no idea what was going to be within the doors.

This is what i head:

Sometimes the Lord needs to strip us to remind us who we are,
and what we have in him, more so who we are in him.

He brought us into this world naked and when we get brought back
to that raw state, instead of cursing him,

I began to thank him.

I thanked him not only for who he is, but who I am.
The special person he designed me to be.

I had to stop looking up and staying down, my prayers had been in a place of frustration,
frustrated in what I had lost, and in a moment it clicked. I had not lost anything but my sight.

Nothing in this world compares to what your father in heaven, Abba, has.

I don't just mean his gifts, because yes they are great, and beyond my little minds comprehension. 

I mean simply him.
Who he is.
Getting to know him,

What an honour.

No matter who you lose, what you lose, what you've lost, or what you're losing.
Never lose yourself.

Never give up who you are, 
who you were made to be,
because you lost something, someone, or somewhere in between.

I know it sounds crazy, but no matter what dark place you go into,
the greatest light in the world is actually right there with you.
Acting as a lamp below your feet, guiding you, 
Wherever you run,
However long you hide,

He sees you.
He loves you.
and he is passionately, 
ardently,
avidly,
always,
constantly,
chasing you..

Have peace, and blessings,
my friends.
-
-
-
and oh!
 to tie together my title and come full circle,
~
whatever you're going through,
trust the Lord and that he is working on it for your benefit,
God isn't mad at you, 
he doesn't want to punish you

he wants you and your love.

Whatever it is that is pressing on your heart,

just say,  

       "Hey dad,

i surrender,

have your way,

i give it to you,

i trust you with it,

i believe in your love for me,

i believe in your ability,

and i see who you are,

just as you see who i am,

and i trust you to help me
through this situation,

and i trust that you
have plans of good,

and that you will never
forsake me,

you will never
abandon me,

you have always
chased me,

I love you and
i am so thankful
that you are on 
my side,

my friend,
my father,
my God.

In Jesus name,
amen."

†

Stay up!
Sorry i haven't posted in a  millennium.

Power thoughts at 3 nearly 4 A.M.

Can't sleep still. 

Up praying on things that I must have prayed on at least 10 times just today. 

My mind races like horses, caged and spurred and ready to run as soon as I open the doors. So I keep them shut. I keep the race doors shut so my horses don't fly out frantically. I guess you could say I'm holding my horses. 

The problem is that these horses keep kicking the doors, neighing, demanding I pay attention to them. 

Why?

Who's next?

Was I?

Am I?

When?

Why?

My mind often feels like a race track in which many thoughts are competing to be the one that sways me, the one that wins me over. 

I'm learning that the fastest thought shouldn't always be the one that we act on. 

And I don't mean just the first thought off the line, I mean the first one to recross the line. 

You see,

Normally,

In a race that thought would be the winner, it started with the others and it ran its full circle and came back to me first. 

Sometimes the worst thoughts come to us the quickest. Sometimes the worst thoughts we have, we are the best at having. 

Thoughts are a very powerful thing. 

I've pictured things in my head and feared them, and most all of them have come to be. 

We empower the world around us with our fears and hopes. 

We speak life. 

We speak death. 

Sometimes we just speak.

I'm learning to become aware of when I just speak. I'm trying to pay attention to where my heart is while I'm speaking. 

I love. 

I believe.

I hope. 

I dream. 

I bleed. 

I cry. 

I spit. 

I tire. 

I fear. 

I fight. 

I am real. 

And I will not fade away. 

I am more than just a memory,

And so are you. 

Remember 

Who

You

Are. 

What people see

It's amazing how people see what they want to see. 

It doesn't matter who you are, 

What you do,

The way you do it. 

People see it how they want. 

One thing you do in love can be viewed in hate. 

Their brokenness in life can alter their point of view, because someone did something so hate filled so evil they associate that with others, they see what they want. 

I love hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm one man up against the world.

I try every single day to do everything I do in love and to be the best person I can be. 

I think that freaks people out. I don't think the world is use to someone who actually gives a damn. 

Well damn it I do. 

I've had people tell me, 

"I never want to be one of those girls who hurt you" 

Or 

"You see this tree in front of me it's just an obstacle, I'm always right there, you've just got to look beyond it." 

And they end up trying to tie a tag around my toe thinking since I'm dead to them I should be dead to me too and planting forests between us telling me to get lost. 

Death isn't a bad thing. I mean I don't crave it, I'm not suggesting it, but it's moving on. From death there is life. 

Sometimes I hold onto things that are dying in my life so hard that I cut my hand with my fingernails and the thing I'm holding has completely disappeared when I open my hand. 

I'm a magician of sorts. 

When all you have with a person is words, it's very easy to be misread.

I doubt a lot of things, I have questioned my faith before, but I know who I am. 

I am Joseph, child of God, a difference maker. 

No one can take that from me. 

My broken heart has been turned in to the lord and he will give me a new one, a better one. 

And trust me I'll break it again, because id rather break my heart a billion times sharing it, than keep it all to myself and not let anyone see the beauty of love.  

Storms ahead.

There are 

7,373,668,565 people in the world and before i was finished writing this sentence that number has grown.

The crazy part to me is that we find one person and they make the other 7.3 billion people fade away.

Life moves pretty fast, and before you know it you'll be looking back at it instead of squinting at it ahead of you.

I've began to learn that there is 

absolutely no reason to be angry.

I mean I gets sadness,

I understand it.

Sometimes I would like to be angry.

Sometimes I want to get mad.

But there is no point to it.

It accomplishes nothing

but the opposite of everything

you want. 

I've been given the opportunity to be a lot of things in my life. Somethings I've been I'm not exactly proud of, other things I know I was the best I could be. 

I've been betrayed by almost every single person I know, 

I can count on one hand the amount of people I know who haven't betrayed me, 

and on the other hand I can count the number of people I have betrayed. 

But i still lift up both my hands to pray. 

Every single one of us has betrayed someone at some point. At least I think so. 

and everyone has been betrayed by someone at some point. I think i know so.

and if I'm really real, its going to happen again. and again. and probably again. 

But the only thing we can do, is control ourselves. 

We have no right to control other people

they are going to do

what they are going to do.

I have my battles and you have yours.

I have gotten to the point in my life where i no longer 

care to be anything but myself and the best form of that

that i can be.

I don't know what the next step is, 

but i trust my father in heaven that i won't miss my mark

I don't know what i am supposed to be to anyone.

but i trust that my father in heaven will show me.

Out of all the people in the world for some reason the Lord showed me

you.

I don't have the remedy to your broken heart, and i don't have the answer.

and i don't have much money.

But i have faith

Wherever you are, 

whatever you do.

I will not be angry.

For the Lord himself,

stands beside me.

and i am calm.

Full moon

I'm just a man who never deserved her love. 

Her love came rushing in like the wind 

Taking my clothes with it and leaving me naked 

Just as I was when I came into this world. 

I was born again in the wind she howled

 she blew me away and I think I found myself

With the whip of the wind I tried desperately to grab onto something, anything that was familiar but there was nothing for me to hold. 

So I let go

Letting go of all the things that once kept me stable is where I found balance

Letting go letting go

But what about tomorrow my storm clouds thunder

But what about yesterday my tear drops tap on the floor

Now. 

Today. 

Now. 

That is my answer. 

Void of life and dried up dreams. 

This moon begs me to look at it. Implores me with its open eye

Full and complete making me feel empty and alone. 

It has all it needs. making me feel as if I will never be as complete as he tonight. 

But what I must remember is that come two weeks he will be but a sliver. 

I'm the dead man walking when the moon is full. 

The full moon drains all my life and leaves me to my body.

Telling me To do with it what I wish. 

Laughing cynically at my torment that he illuminates so well

The moon looks at me

 or rather

 I look at it 

and I see it at its fullest

 and now I remember 

It is only but a reflection. 

Blood

Blood. 

Bloody trickling tricky thing. 

Pour it out baby and watch your life slip into the pools you spill. 

Blood is but a s h a d e away from darkness. 

Blood is life within life. 

Rivers in our arms flowing throughout our bodies and pumping into our brains.

Its in our thoughts. 

Blood it's something you can share with some but not with all. 

We've all got different types you see?

 just like we all have our different personalities.

 and our own unique traits. 

We're compatible with some but not with all.

We reject some because they aren't what we need,

We get no life from them.

We tend to take the most from those who give the most (O+)

but blood, well its not all just life and death.

Blood is beautiful.

how i learned that:

When I held your hand

 and felt yours rushing Inbetween my fingers,

 pumping almost like a dance,

a dance orchestrated

to the song of our souls.

 I know my blood is meant for you. 

And I know your blood is meant for me. 

maybe thats why they call it

Bloody love baby.

Broken Mirrors

All of these reflections.

To me its rather strange how we all see something different when we look into a mirror.

For instance when we walk down the busy streets and we see a lot of faces,
its in those momentary glances that we appreciate a (falsely perceived) unadulterated beauty.

We don't get lost in the whos and whats,
 We dont get deluded perspectives of who someone is presently due to their past.
It is momentary of course. 

now adays,
The more we see someone the less we see someone,
if we allow it.

We start seeing their pain,
Their problems,
their flaws,
their inability.
 Their insufficiency.
 Their weakness.

Because you see, its easy to love a moment, but its hard to love a lifetime.

When you separate someone from who they are, we objectify them. 
When we fall in love with the outward beauty we often miss the beauty within.

Mirrors, well they are, they are not reflections, not anymore, they're insecurities.

We see ourselves everyday, some more than others, but at some point we all look into that mirror to judge ourselves. 

When we look at a mirror its never to see whats right with us, 
its to pick out whats wrong with us. 
What we need to fix.

 We spend so much time critiquing our reflections and picking out what we don't like that we forget what we do enjoy.
We miss our freckles and crescent moon grins, 
We darken the glow of the light in our eyes.

 Girls put on makeup because they've seen their face so many times
that they are tired of it.
and they feel this need,
this deep disposition
to change themselves.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, oh i wish that you would fall,
Mirror Mirror on the wall, why do you lie to us all?

If it wasnt for the judgement of others, 
would we be so hard on ourselves?

If we didn't have all these momentary glances would she still spend hours in the mirror trying to change herself for no one; but everyone at the same time?

I'm different. At least I think so.

For me, when i see someone more, i don't disintegrate them. I dont see their beauty dissolve, I just find more of them. I just find more reasons to love them.

Whoever hears me, please, just try, just try to look at that mirror, and don't look for a flaw; look for something you like.

God bless you. Much love my friends and 
i believe in you.
i believe that you,
right there with your screen brightly glowing my words,
can break your mirrors.

Christendom: the worldwide body or society of Christians; the Christian world.

I believe that arguably the biggest fault in The Christendom is that the self has become the

center

Instead of love thy neighbor like you love thy self. 

It became love thy self and tolerate your neighbor.

Instead of do unto others that which you would would have them do unto you.
It's become do for self what you would want others to do for you.
 
People have stopped following Jesus and have started directing him.
 
Telling him where to go, 
where to show up, 
how to show up,
What to wear,
 and then getting upset when they feel like He isn't fitting into their puzzle. 
 
It's twisted man.

 Its so sad to me that these people have the kingdom of heaven at hand
 and all the desires of our hearts
 w a i t i n g to be handed to us from the Father  
through Christ
 but they miss it…

They just miss it man

They get lost in themselves and what they want, 
thinking this is what will make me happy, 
this marriage, 
this car, 
this house, 
living there,
not living here, 
and they forget the simplest most vital part of Christianity. 

 
Follow me.

Wayward Son

What do you want?

What do you want?

Am i doing this right?

Is this okay?

My mind is an oasis of peace where birds sing and the sun never sets but there's always sunsets.

I found joy all alone, because i had no one tangible.

no one to reach out to and grab into my arms.

No one to tell me hey its alright, i know what you're going through, and its okay.

I spent hours on my knees before i had the strength to stand up.

I had so many hurts that they didn't hurt.

so much dirt in my eyes that i had to learn to see in the dark.

I don't go to many people, 

I don't follow celebrities and I don't call many people my friends.

Don't get me wrong, i am many peoples friend. 

I'll be there for you when you need me to, even if you won't do the same.

 Its part of what i believe in.

you're part of what i believe in

But shit. 

i don't know what you want.

i don't know how to be there for you

i don't know how to find you

i don't know what I'm doing right or wrong anymore.

Remember that Oasis i talked about.

well the waters have been poisoned. 

the trees are withering and the sand is sinking.

I want nothing more but to take a swim in the warm waters i once knew.

I want to swim with you, like we have.

But I no longer know where my oasis with you is. 

Maybe the waters have dried and I'm drifting through deserts chasing 

caliginous memories.

but i dip my toes in the water when i close my eyes 

and i remember where and who started this.

I hope, no i pray, that you and me can go down into the river.

But I'm starting to doubt you'd go in with me even if i found it.

I don't know whats to come, I'm not as certain as i once was.

but i certainly know that my love for you has not changed.

But the way i see your love certainly has.

call me dramatic, and as i do love the theatre,

 as does every play have an end,

and I've raised my hands because i'm not the writer just the pen.

but I've run out of ink.

and i've got to many thoughts I've ought to think.

and although i think you are the one for me

I'm beginning to read your pages over, and overly overwhelmingly I am beginning to see

that maybe I am not the one for you.

my love, my love will never change,

just only grow, thats why we grew to call it Toe

but now i read these pages and weep under the willow,

 as i wonder if i was to let you go,

If you'd find the feeling you felt for me but inevitably 

planted in the snow, 

these red curtains close but i don't know if its just a scene

 or the ending to our show

is this goodbye or is this hello?

You're a fighter kid.

We all have battles.

It's really obvious, at least to me, that we're all facing something.

Whether its bills, loved ones, or thyself we all got something that's going on. 
I'm at a point in my life where my gloves are ripping and my face is bloody.

I've got a lot of people telling me that they see greatness in me, but it doesn't really matter until i see it. 

I'm in the ring fighting and fighting but the part that snares me is that I don't want to fight.
I guess you could call it a cage fight. 
I read in a good book that it's the meek who inherit the world. 
well what if i don't want the world and I'm still meek? 
what do i have to gain but memories and scars? 

Sometimes,
we all feel like we're running out of strength but gaining weights.
and i remember Hercules told me that 
"a true hero isn't measured in the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. " 

and well i have a big heart.
 But i read somewhere that only God sees a mans heart.

I don't have much that I cling to but what I do, i cling to hard.
i guess what I'm saying is that i don't have a lot i fight for,
but what i do fight for, i fight for a lot.

I was taught empathy and compassion by my Father, yes my dad did a great job raising me, but he is not who I'm calling Father right now.

If you haven't gotten it by now I love God. 
in fact he's the only thing I truly trust and if you are agitated by my belief in God than I'm sorry
but anger and agitation over love is truly evil.

what I'm getting at is that we have battles, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and its not about how much strength we exhibit in battle. Its about our cause, about our willingness to get up, and its about what makes us get back up.

I promise you that i would have heard the eternal Ref counting to three while i slip into the darkness of unconsciousness a long time ago if it was not for something bigger than myself.

I've been through a lot, and i've been through a lot less than some others. I don't compare my trials and turmoil to others because its not fair to them or to myself because undeniably the things we feel are real to us. These things may be sourced from deception and lies, but the responsibility of feeling them and handling them will forever be a real thing.

I don't have much left to say but I truly pray that you don't give up. shit i don't even know you but I'm still praying for you. When i pray for people I've never met i often wonder if I'm the only person who thinks and feels the way i do... and I'm starting to think i am. 
but thats alright,
 because God made us all different and thats what makes us so individually special to him. 

I'll stop preaching but if I give you guys an inch today of who i am, its that I'm inexplicably passionate.  And that my passion is what makes me live, and my passion is what kills me.

whatever you battle today, do not give up. you're not weak, you're not broken, and you're not done. 
Keep fighting and dodge those uppercuts, there is nothing wrong with getting hit, but theres something abominable in giving up.